As an African child, born in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, I was raised knowing that my mother’s siblings are also my parents. Love, guidance, correction—it came from many hands, many hearts.

So when I say I was raised by many mothers and fathers, understand this: I carry all of them with me. And I have no intention of letting them down.

I know what they desire for my life, and I live with the intention of making them proud, not just in words, but in how I move, how I speak, and how I honour them.

Even after becoming a mother myself, I have never disrespected them, never exchanged insulting words. Do you know why?

Because relocating to Europe didn’t change my foundation. Respect for elders is not geography, it’s character.

Some measure success by coming to Europe, making money, or building families across cultures and that’s fine; for them.

But for me, success is this: becoming a grown woman who still knows how to be a child in front of her aunties and uncles.

No amount of money, whether I earn less or more than them, will ever give me the right to disrespect them.

I was raised by Royalty Standards. That’s why I walk differently.

Instead of blaming others for my mistakes or how life unfolded for me, I chose accountability. I went to therapy at age 15. I owned my story. I forgave myself and I chose to grow.

As long as I’m alive, I have another chance to do better.

Blaming those who left or failed us only delays our healing. We are here to help one another, to add value to each other’s lives and sometimes, even having children isn’t enough, especially if we’re not prepared to lead them.

One of the greatest gifts of being an African woman is understanding, from a young age, the responsibility of motherhood.

We don’t just have children because we’re in love or to fix broken relationships or to have a council house or benefit. We have children because life has entrusted us with a gift and with that gift comes responsibility.

I stopped smoking and drinking, not because my children changed me, but because I refused to become a contradiction in their eyes. If I cannot let something go, how can I expect them to?

Today, many people raise children based on the culture they adopt, rather than the roots they come from and while growth is important, we must be discerning because not every part of culture is meant to be embraced.

That’s a conversation for another day.

But for now, remember this:

Your roots are your greatest protection.

They carry your history, your identity, your strength.

Honour them. Speak to your ancestors (your parents, aunties and uncles). Visit them when you can because when you know where you come from… you move through life differently.

I wouldn’t be, the single mother I am today for my children if I lacked understanding of who I am and where I come from.

©️ Niina Nia Kabesa